memories-
Thursday, December 02, 2004
maybe i jus dun wan ppl to get bored readin my blog. maybe i'll just feel better typin it ferst den decide where to put this.
my vocab sucks. i know ass is my fav word. but i seriously feel like an ass. stupid ass. i am really confused. very. i don't know what to do. things r gettin out of hand. all the time i think i am handling things alright, but after a while, i find that i am wrong. totally.
ok la fine la. i am a useless n stupid idiotic bum. cant even do things for myself. even now my heart n brain doesn't work for me properly.
fullstop.
gavin said to me that night tt even aft knowin me for four years, he still felt that he doesn't know me. ah. and he said that my blog's cryptic. ah. there, this is me. but i also think that this is the cause of many of my problems in life so far. what must i do to change myself? its just totally NOT my style to let ppl know me. i want them to know me, but not for me to let them know me. understood? there is no one in this (stupid freaking) world that knows me inside out. i hate it.
ppl say tt i should just be MYSELF n not change according to ppl's needs. great. does this mean that i'll be stuck forever in this trap. u know every time i'm down, this is bound to be the root of the problem. come on la. even i know myself for 16 years. i don't even feel like i know myself too. i often contridict myself n my actions too. dunno lorh. just that this problem strike me suddenly. so decided to fa lao sao again.
it is just my habit to keep most problems and going ons to myself. why? isit becos i haf a lack of ppl to tell it to in the feerst place. but if i were anyone normal, i wouldn want MY stuff to be broadcasted anyway.
i feel that all friendships are unreal. i don't know why. although friends mean the world to me, i can live in a small world of my own. hey i can go out alone, watch movie alone blah blah.. that's what i mean by contridicting. what do friends do in the first place? jsut stand around n give support? or always go for movies n shoppins together?
true that i haf lots of hi-bye acquaintants..that doesn mean that i haf alot of TRUE friends. anyway wad does true mean? one tt doesn give u up n always stay by u? i tell u, in sec1 n 2, i live in a world with MY rules, MY definations n MY way of life. in sec3, when i got to know some people more, i being to come in touch with THEIR way of life. way different. THEIR definations, THEIR rules n principles. i'm seriously confused by them.
i easily forget my worrries. here's one of the time. i'm talknig to felicia, erhu junior now about how wonderful our wang ma ma is. lala- so off i go! cya later i'll come lament again
oh i'm back. here, i have an unspeakable problem. taboo. dun really know what's wrong myself too. but its the most pressin one that i know.
maybe this is one of the more honest entries that i've blogged yeah.
23:34
-keeps me alive
