memories-
Saturday, January 15, 2005
mmms have been wastin off my day today. n im feeling more sick den ever after d cryin jus now.
morning got screamed up by my mum to clear the stupid house. hais. always liddat worse still, chinese new year coming liaos. so got busy clearing n cleaning but in d proces of cleaning, had my com on..so chatted wif pangkiat for awhile n chatted w yexiang too. hais. ppl like wangui yexiang always get info abt how i feel, apart frm sum entries of d private blog. duno la. but kinda feel nice talking to older ppl cos they more experienced n been thru sum of what ive been thru so dey mite understand? anyway i din go for their fenzu today. gees i heard only got 5 ppl there now. wenjing ask why i nv go giv yx support there.. hmmm im at home to giv moral support? 
lunch time..den suthing happened. something really stupid. i cried for a teabag that was wasted. and then i got scolded. i got screamed at by my mum la..den i chao bu shuang la. den she rattle on and on about i under pressure so will anyhow shed tears not possibly abt the teabag and blahblahblah. kaos..den push d blame to shicheng n msia trip n everything else. i doubt she'll let me shang the next concert if im asked to. hais. wadever. "if u cannot manage ur time properly, dun take on too many things". great i can manage my time. and im nt stressed out abt any of d things u said. well, probably i'm jus givin myself unnecessary worries- ( relationship w a certain she. dhsco. school's gonna start n d real workload. what CCA to join. n of cus d most pressin inferiority complex)
once my mum left home..i started hoggin onto computer already. luckily had ppl to chat with. it was wenjing first.. n kana intro dis animation webbis, so got abit of entertainment to tk things off my mind. den talk to wangui abit oso lorhs.
hais.another thing cuming up is d tuan yuan fan. apparently our BATCH's supposed to organise it together. n we duno anything yet la. ask tt choong hurri up. anyway becos of dis feelin tt i keep feeling these days.. i cant help but wish tt i could help in planning for the tuan yuan fan too. u see, organising n planning is one of my stronger points. if i dun make use of them.. i'm better off dead. at least i cant reassure myself that i still haf a chance of survival out in d open.
anyway i realise that im always scolded whenever i cry. fortunately i haf a room to myself if not it'd be worse. anyway ryte, wads wrong wif it? trying to express emotions only wad. den today my mum said "i can help you". funny huh help wad. hai, i think its becos frm young, my parents haf been working day n night.. den no time to spend time at home with us. last time my mum said she regretted it la. i think tt partly why i dun tell my parents anything bah. another reason is tt i dun agree with their thinking.. n often i get scolded jus trying to carry my thoughts across to dem. esp my mum. told u she damn hot tempered one. aie or maybe im a scorpio so dun tell anyone anything? but seriously, i feel quite good when im able to tell ppl how exactly i feel la, jus like how i do sumtimes on my blogs. yeahs. hais sian..i feel so distant from everyone...
hais, and i feel so strongly that becos of this certain inferiority complex building up in a certain part of me, im adopting an attitute way of thinkg soon. yesterdat or was it this morning.. like haf one angel one devil in my mind fighting about whther to go back to dunman today annot...and how i jus feel like doing nothing n leaving it all to choong n gang. but i cant. how i wish one day i can haf a breakthrough... myself n my pathetic thoughts.
anyway angela jus asked me where we had our last tuan yuan fan. hais talking about that jus pisses me off. and it does give me another reason why i dun bother to take d initiative to do anything about our relationship, dont i? i remember my batch only got 6 gers went. n sum guys. d guys sat among themselves. our batch f4 sat wit themselves. yuanting went to sit with the juniors. hais, then, i really regretted going for tuan yuan fan. i felt so entirely miserable. in d end anyway, clara wrote me a postcard d next day..i shall never agree to han river for the upcoming tuan yuan fan, becos their tables only allow four to a steamboat. it sucks!
i remember the year before tuan yuan fan. i remember kayee too, n her beautifully self designed clothes. wow. hehhees.. that yr's tuan yuan fan..alot went.. yexiang's batch oso got go i think. that was the syf year, i remember jieying telling us not to sit wit d seniors cos scared dey will gif us pressure for syf. has, but in d end oso kana stuck sitting with wang lao shi, sharon's batch n sum other ppl la.. if i remember correctly. it was at sum ulu place near lavender. but i enjoyed it nevertheless...much more.
i hope this year's wun be a disappointment.....
seriously. i enjoyed CO in sec1 n sec2 terribly. but it was until sec3 onwards tt i begin to feel the feeling decline..during msia trips n such co activities, the same feeling keeps creeping into my mind- the same thing. the same four ppl n the same miserable thoughts. it became even worse some time after our batch com was announced. and worse still after d china trip. now it completely shattered.. hung loosely be a few peices of thread.. but after dec shicheng it became better.. now its goin downhill again. but currently, im not worried about the same things.. its a fresh piece of worry..that may last forever until one day i cannot tahan anymore n decide to give up. im not needed anyway right?
it probably runs in my dirty blood tt im supposed to b stuck in a co life until god noes when. but im havin d thots of not joining co in a jc. according to wenjing it does do gd for me to see things frm another pov. not always the co-ian pov.
wad chinyong said ytd was kinda disturbing..it makes me haf d thot tt i'd be pretty sorry in msia in march. hais.
anyway shall end here.. i need to be enlightened.
another honest entry by me.
18:12
-keeps me alive
