```iamsharonang--

memories-

Saturday, February 19, 2005

i think its not CO that has been manipulating n controlling my life. its my home- my family. especially when everyday there's screamings n the great big generation gap way of thinking and talking, who does not want to be out of this place? is it a common feature of uneducated parents that they all think the same way-in the same square box that can be found centuries ago? when i want to go out i go out, but when i dont want to go out i stay at home and in the end feel like going out. stay at home means i want my peace end up getting irritated by people around. i wish i had nice parents whose thinking grows as i grow.

suddenly i feel like not going for JTS. but i know its impossible. i have to turn up. actually i will gladly stay at home to rot. does my mum or dad knows this? scold me for going out. quite cheap. STJ they gladly let me go and JTS ask if i can don't go. (STJ is senior-treat-junior n JTS is vice versa) u know they don't know whats been running in my mind what my life is made up off. basically they only see me as what i am at home. irritable, badtempered and always doing unnecessary stuff always gonig out always staying late in school always waste time at dunman high. they think its fine to miss class outings. when amanda choa asked me how come i miss so many i also duno what to reply. ok la i admit ALL of them that i din turn up for wasnt because of parental problems..but it was me who turn them down myself. i did not want my ears to burn again...so to sum up. they do not know that ive turned down so many outings MYSELF and in addition to some more they disallow me to go....its like HMM. so im lucki not to end up in VJ? sinhui n lijun say they go out almost everyday!

my mum likes to compare the ME at home with the ME in school with my friends. but the fact is that she doesn't know the ME in school. i jus told her that and guess what she said? "i know you". very funni la. its true thou, that the me at home n me w my friends or in school is different. at home, its as if im still living in d world of my school or my friends. i speak as little as i can at home cus noone around understands what i mean or im trying to get at or i may even get shot for jus voicing out mere opinions. maybe i need some quiet and peace to myself at home.

my parents get angry at things that i would not get angry at. but they do not get angry with things i will get angry at. see la like this of cus cannot tahan long. basically home is shit. why do u think i reach out beyond my house doors to search for support? im starting to hate staying at home alot. i hate everything else besides my room where i use my computer and cry to my computer and type in my computer the most often. where i sleep and where i make most of my dreams that are usually not home or family related.

u know what? i feel damn triumphant now. its sadistic and psychotic. but lala ive made both my parents angry for sum funny reason i duno why. and here i am as cool as cucumber. i always enjoy myself n admiring their childish behaviours when they are angry. shant degrade my parents here la. my brother also. must be take after them la. ha i think i am really sick. but i think how they get angry is really amusing. i think i already reached a state of enlightenment. heard of this statement : 人家气我我不气, 我若生气中他计!

thank you my parents for letting me write so much about them. cus i think i dun really haf much to write abt other stuff. jus now on the bus i told myself that i should stop updating about dhsco related stuff for awhile here. ha i can only achieve this during the weekdays.

let me talk about today. i slept for only three pathetic hours cus i ended up in bed only at 3am! morning went for canoe. haoxia (d coach) was there..tt why drag until 12plus den end. when i finally reached dunman they finished the chouwei meeting already! bloodihell. den for some kinda reasons i stayed throughout their gongyan rehearsal. got quite alot of ppl go back today la got: wangui jieying leedya stephanie chinyong junda gavin yingchun tszshan yuwei mervyn weisheng sijie huiling dot dot dot. hais. jus listening to the dazu songs makes me very high n happy! so long nv hear den suddenly hear the dunmancomusic its kinda different feeling. hcco is different. cos it gives me no feelings. yay. somemore, in addition to the songs givinng me highness..im also excited about certain stuff. HAHA. wangui n leedya n jieying would probably know. i think i am stupid la. really. its like i wanna execute this thing myself but each time my heart will beat damn fast. hahas. scared? but in d end i still did it myself. althou not the very ideal way. AH im still quite high now.

hmm. i really think im dumb.(dramafestquote: are you dumb or dumb?) stupid and silly. tsktsk. its me, its me, its me who (built community?) is acting wierd from day one. sian diao. i hope from today i shall refrain from being silly. else all my effort all my worries n dead cells would be wasted. yeahs. today another person told me that i shouldn place my hopes all on one person cus something already happened to someone who did so? but i said i trust 'er. i feel so proud of myself for sayin tt (:

after gongyan rehearsal. fooled around in CO room while waiting for my courage to build up in me. lols. i didn even dare to go toileting for fear that my chance will go whilst im in there. i think im quite great. passin it myself. cus few ppl volunteered to help me before that. yay. three cheers. den aft tt went out to chill? haha. nopes jus went out to escape from the COroom for awhile n ended up chatting with xianghong n yimin n of cus for another motive tt i din manage to achieve in d co room. but still din manage to do anything in d end la.

went out to TM with chinyong junda gavin yexiang n met up with huiling tszshan grace after that. i heard wenjing was in d vicinity too! goddamn i hate crowded places. esp when im set on the "thinking"mode n not paying attention to anything around me. we ate a LongJohn's and soon my mum started to call n nag as usual. hais i haf no peace ever since she stopped working! may she goes back to work again. received certain smses that kinda set my heart at ease finally.
phew.

on d way home on the bus. i overslept! n therefore bus overshot! ha not the first time this week. on the average i think everyday each week got overshot my stop at least once. told u this week im pathetically tired. must really really start my coming week properly. talking about coming week. the olevel results are releasing soon! i hope its dis cuming friday. gavin aske dme why i not feeling nervous. ha i jus scared tt i cant get gd results to hold onto my face n prolly stayin the d same class n school. relaxing now still early. thursday den start to say. anyways i think chinyong n junda are gettin friendlier n nicer each time i go back for meetings!

tml morning shall be set aside for muggin n doing project. goodbye pple! :)

23:25

-keeps me alive