```iamsharonang--

memories-

Saturday, March 19, 2005

updated version:

time flies and things change. somehow or other, i thought of my blog entry last night and i wondered if i still kept the postcard that caused my life to spin into another different world. i went to the cupboard that contains many things that are of value to me- gifts from ppl, gift wrappers of gifts that ive received, even paper bags that the gifts come in. (pls dun be mistaken, im certainly not a sentimental person. i throw away such stuff. i kinda just cant bear to throw some.) i opened the shoe box that ive dumped all the letters and postcards that are of worth and found many ancient, well maybe not ancient, about 2 years old? the oldest being the one ive received from melissa ong in sec2.

maybe i dun really take things seriously last time, always giving the nonchalant attitude towards things in life.. even now, i have to read and re-read everything that i wish to grasp and understand cus i just take my eyes through the first time i read it. so i decided to read some of the postcards or letters that i think will bring back some thoughts.

i read melissa's letter. it made alot of sense to me now. i don't know about then. maybe i was still having the nonchalant attitude then. if i had taken it seriously, or maybe the contents of the letter had accidentally been let into my brain, i'd haven been a better person. maybe it was the letter that changed me in sec3. its was about asking me not to heckkare everything around me. cool. now, the me- the everything also bother about me, back to the p.school days, the sensitive me.. i duno whether im better off telling myself to stay optimistic and jus not let anything get into me or just letting everything get into me.

i read another letter that really amused me. it was from peifen, from vdae when i was in sec3 i think? hmm or maybe sec4? really forgot la..since i like know her for 3 years? anyway i recall that i was really touched/ amused then too :) just like peifen to do these kinda stuff.. wonder if she had changed? anyway another postcard that i read was also from her. given to me on shicheng concert day, 24/12. gee, i duno why, but somehow it manages to take my attention away from other cards/letters at that point of time.

read wenjing's xmas card too. but just for the sake of reading it. maybe next year or two years later, i'd read and find out another thing from it. just like now how i realised another thing from reading a letter that ailyn wrote to me. and her handmade gift. i think its filled with sincerity and its just wow. when i know her for such a short time. it was given to me on vdae when i was in sec4. totally forgot about it until i opened the box this afternoon. sigh..again, just when i realise something it had to be taken away from me. so now i know why im so unwilling to leave dunman. i stilll have alot of loose ends to tie and many things left undone. everyone who have been nice to me, ive yet to reciprocate, is it too late to realise just now?

so i ransacked the whole box. its kinda obvious who the author of most of my letter/postcards is la..i'd need another box to contain them all if i hadn sent some of them into the bin. added two more by the same author into the box. i was quite relieved that i found the postcard that i wanted to find. i actually kept it. duno for what reason then too. but now, i felt so lucky that ive not thrown it away. vdae1, vdae2. read the passing down one too. cant help but feel a little guilty. i think today's the first time that i actually read it properly or something. ok i went to check my LJ calendar. 1907 wasnt the passing down date. duno where or when the letter originated from la. but still sigh. whatever la. i always think of what was said to me. how many nights spent talking and me crying? fuck i feel so angry with myself. i went back to read some of my past LJ entries. i feel like totally killing myself. i feel utterly disgusted. ive got a good mind to just delete off all the entries that mentioned this person whos not even worth mentioning. shit. im never going to be able to get to sleep tonight. fuck to the world. im disappointed in myself.

lets digress abit and talking abt that person. wow cool i haf her postcard in my box. got a good mind to send it to the shredder. fortunately i do not have one in my house and i decided to keep it for future reference too. sigh. i look at the contents of the postcards she wrote and tried to link it to my impression and feeling towards her now..somehow they are just like like poles of a magnet. i pei pei pei pei pei. sould slap myself for being so stupid.

sigh talking abt being stupid. should i say that she's stupid? to write me something on the 190704? to think of it..im probably worthless. why did she wait? ask myself why do i keep going back to the past. fuck i jus read my 090804 entry. really am disappointed. oh fuckfuck i love my 130804 entry. phew, although its only jus a mention of names. sigh i duno what happen those days la. i think i just kinda cranky those days. really feel like vomitting my wanton mee out. sigh i feel like talking to someone. i feel damn moody now.

i had an advice to live(for)themoment. but i simply find no point in living for my moment cus there's totally no drive for me? living the past sounds more sensible. i'm totally filled with nostalgia now la. as usual. i feel sick. i feel really really stupid.

anyway i read my 260704 blog entry too cant believe that i actually typed nonsense like doubting whether id ever return to dhsco again. rah* these few days have been thinking and thinking. somehow everything doesn fit, just like mismatched pieces of jigsaw.

somehow, when i decided to keep everything back into the box, i chanced upon many letters of the recent angel and mortal game played in HC. some in the cupboard, some lying around in my room. i felt that im just retaining them for the sake of keeping them. i wun mind just dumping them all away. its not that i dun like them or what its just cus i totally REFUSE to keep them in the shoebox. no, never to mix anything to do with jc life with dunman. what's with me? don't i like writing letters and receiving them? why then do i not give a damn about anything that orignates frm a jc? maybe i'll start keeping them next year. for now i think nothing else is fit to be kept in the precious shoebox of mine.

will it sound anticlimax or stupid if i say more abt d msia trip?

like my mum happily bought a box of tausapiah home? can i tell u how scared im of tausapiah now? cus i totally stuffd myself with more than 4 tausapiahs when i had my ulcer in penang. its freaking pain.

conclusion? im going to massage my mum and i shall think more when i come back. meanwhile, i just need someone to talk to me. not i talk to someone. bye-

(new section)
hiyee im back. doesn hiyee sound so kayee? fine im trying to be lame. let me talk about my past two days. i haven been doing absolutely nothing but thinking and blogging these three days. yesterday spent arnd 6hrs on the computer settling my blog entry and pictures online. also went out do do my EZlink card, and do IC. wow. guess what? someone found my ic and reutrned it. great the person who took my wallet must be sick of looking at my face. why dun they return the $6 bucks that meant quite alot to me? why don't they return my SGCC membership card? why don't they return the money inside! should i be happy? but i felt indignant. who gives a feck abt the IC. i had no qualms about losing the 100bucks to the government. well ok, it saves me 100bucks but cant the feckard jus return more of the bloody contents? ah whatever. went to suntec for foodfair yesterday too. i feel so like in a shopping mood, must be because im so deprived of shopping in msia trip. i still need to buy a bag and shoes! anyway bought a whole lot of food. i'll grow fat. talking abt growing horizontally, i grew lighter after msia trip. argh but yeah looking on the pessimistic side i think its because i haven moved much like running for long. so conclusion is i became more fatty.

i am becoming a pig. even though i keep thinking and dreaming about my stupid WORK, i totally have no drive to do them. oh come on, let me live in dunman high hostel with weiqi and berdine again. ha great then i can go back to dunman high EVERYDAY. but that's utterly impossible. despite waking up at 10.30am today, i slept from 3.40-7.30 just now. maybe i just need thinking time and time to myself, cus throughout the whole sleeping time, i was actually half asleep and half dreaming? anyway i ate alot today. went to eat dim sum with a fren of my mum's @ some restaurant and im freaking full. i swear to eat lesser when school reopens. i need to save money after reading how much the darn shopaholic spents in the shopaholic and sister book. oh yeah, u din read wrongly, im trying to start reading. i seriously need to improve my english..wrote down the meanings of quite alot of words already. so far ever since i started on the learning english mission, i've learnt: cynical, laudable, rational, resent, qualm, nostalgia, nonchalant, indignant, liberal, rouse and rationalize thanks to siwei, kayee and the storybook and of cus the pressure to check the dictionay for their meanings.

right. i have no business to be online anymore i should read to prevent my mind from wandering. one day i'll update the private blog that's when diaryland becomes alive.

posting comes out on the 22nd. who gives a damn? ha oh well. i think hwachong should consider kicking me out. aha den i'll go to VJ! den i'll be nearer to dunman high den i'd be in same skl as chrystal! DREAM ON sharon. do i wish for once that i dun do that well for Os? why before the release of results i hope to be able to stay on in HC?

ANNOUNCEMENT
if everything goes on well.. i'll quit HCCO. since they say that PEARLS points arent needed for entry into uni. so who cares if i dun do well for any other cca that i join?

lalala so the syf points dun sound as lucrative as before..i'll just have to deal with the parting (again!) sigh. but then, im scared i'd not be able to make a clear-cut decision. i may not quit afterall. hurry i need ppl to psycho me to QUIT once and for all. email, sms, fone calls will do.

if HC kicks me out. i'll go to VJ. i wanna join VJCO. ha MAYBE i should appeal to VJ and join their CO.

you know, i think HC should jus not let me enter cus i dun give a f-* about staying on already? one week of holidays is enough to make me forget everything there.

21:49

-keeps me alive