```iamsharonang--

memories-

Friday, January 20, 2006

ya. its like 5 days since i last came. i had "no choice" but to come today as well. sigh. shall, as usual, go thru' my past few days briefly- for memory sake.

monday-
lessons. training. quite cham. only a few juniors turned up. hmm luckily sophia and claire still interested. i went awhile for the co meet the junior oso. but it was so inefficient that i din get to see anything. tsk. chem test didn do so well la. ok fine. everyone else did better. i thot my marks were ok- blah!

tuesday-
oh yeahs. did frantic research for my trip. sigh. but ended up not so fruitful oso la. cus alot of ambiguity. physics s ppr today. hmm well. i duno. my s pprs are taking up my only two other free days of the week already. sigh.

wednesday-
water training! unfortunately, there was disturbance due to some rain. scary =X i hate it when my leg keeps going numb, especially when u r on a K boat. sigh.. why will it b liddat anyway? rainy weathers are good for land training. makes u less tired :)

thursday-
kinda my "free day" but ideal free day would be to go home. sit down in front of the tv without anyone nagging and sleep early.. which i havent had for very long. aft sch, chionged to find mr lam at YC, after so long, to confirm venue. sigh again fruitless la as expected. but metsome of the interns. heh. fangyi n liyu, jieying..and i forgot some of their name. rj one..hmm.chams. found out dat my memory get from bad to worse. jus too much to squeeze into my tiny brain. sighs.

wenta meet kayee n wangui. i thot only them. end up is like celeb for pangkiat's and jon's birthday. heh. bowled with pk,ky,wg at marina, den went to eat sakae. !! i thot it was buffet all along. and i ordered alot. but it wasnt a buffet =X one day when i can find time and money (which is like wait long long), shall treat them back!

hmm ya. reached home late. i felt damn bad. its like i dun haf a curfew or anything.. but my parents hafta go fetch me in. whats more is dat my mum waited 30min plus for me near the bus stop! so sorry! and like they want to sleep? so dun blame me for wanting to chiong home.

friday- today
happy burfdae leilei :)
the cheesecake was uber delicious. thanks to christine n amanda. lol. and christine's mum's pineapple tarts were fab too! luck pe ran.

due to sleeping later than usual ytd at 12mn, couldn really focus during the last few periods. fortunately bio lect slept awhile. training was amazingly changed to land trng cus we all got the wrong info dat its water..the water agreement only starts next week. blah. it was meant to b running. but it rained. so it was circuits n stuff.

met up with heidi, yanling n sheila to go to YC. we were like freaking late cus all of us had our own programmes before that. i felt quite bad la. cus on the way there met the interns. first it was fangyi. says we r gona b fined n r in deep shit. den met the other grp of them further down. but heng end up nothing happened. -phew- i felt quite bad la. somehow. u dun feel quite yourself at YC. cus.. ya you know why.

the briefing was long and draggy. cus you know why. everybody knows why. it was conducted by mr lam la. and some of the new regulations and such. blah i haf nothing to say. besides, elaine and i r like booked for alot of days.its had to b full time into it la. seriously.

somehow. i duno. frm last yr til now, been telling myself to reconsider my priorities. hmm, or rather, set some priorities. i jus take everything and do everything. and mr lam is like giving us alot of stress by threatening this and that. what makes it worse is that my parents dunno! sigh. its difficult. no support, no anything la. and its like.. ah well. i cant complain openly on a blog.

so its like. i reached hm late again today. and i felt damn bad again. but i thought: do i hafa choice? and i rethought. actually i DO have a choice. jus that i choice not to haf a choice. everything i do now is like with a mindset of: do i have a choice? it works for a short period of time, but for longer durations, im nt quite sure abt it.

i feel quite insecure complaining here on a blog, cus i realised how open your feelings are gonna be. i rather complain to a few close ppl who feel the same way la.

i thought of my schedule for the next few weeks. and i thought of my parents. and jus now my mum jus spent a hell load of time nagging on the car. what she said made sense. but these words: do i haf a choice jus keep popping out of my mind. i duno. i wanna see my 16 PF test results. i wanna see what kind of person i am.

jus a few weeks ago, my dad insisted that i was stressed cus i forget things easily when i dun usually do. i knew it, but i had to deny cus i cant admit to it right? cus its entirely my fault and none of others. slowly i realised i really had no space to think. i spend so long like thinking even what to pack for the next day. i forget stuff like names when i dun really forget them.

during trainings, somehow suddenly i find my mind wandering aimlessly on water. and i lose my concentration. there's no time for school and trainings alone. what more s pprs, YC, co, and all other so called "extra" things other than mandatory stuff, as what my mum describes everything else other than studies as. bleaghs.

i feel a little pressured, and i think i should be also la. behind in schwork. catching up during trainings. behind in trip planning. and stuff i shud do like continue to prac erhu..and extras like going out with frens. hmm. i need some support. somehow im standing alone. different ppl in different things im involved in duno the big picture. even if i have some wee bit of free time, itd be spent lazing around cus like already so tired in the day. my mum expects me to come home and do revision and not watch tv. how is dat possible? not alot of ppl support my choice of CCAs. not alot of ppl support my involvement in YC. sigh.

can you give me one more day? 24 more hours?

i simply cant take on any more commitments. i will just die. i thot, after the dec hols, i'd be quite free, but this is certainly not so. next fri. CNY celeb huh. reunions huh. and thn this YC thing popped out of nowhere. i dun feel like going. i feel i shud spend some quality time at home. my parents would love it. rah. my life is so messed up. times mag reported something in pakistan. but i kinda haf to be practical la. my parents wud neva allow me to go to exotic places. i thot to myself when sch reopened, in a few weeks' time i'd be well n alive and going at the right pace of life. three weeks has passed unknowingly. nothing has changed for the better. i yearn to be able to make my way home frm sch one day immediately after lessons end. which is only possible next thursday. well i hope so.

again, this mini "ordeal" has reminded me of my seniors. whom i always go to whenever im feeling down. i want them back. but life has to go on. hwachong still doesn seem nice place.i still do not haf a trusted confidant like jieying. or liyu. or anyone like jiamin to complain to. nobody understands

nowadays i get super irritated at the wee-ist bit of things. it isnt good being under some assumption. like being in canoe makes u run fast. and like being in hc makes u smart. like u'd do ur hw becos u did them last year. like you eat because u r hungry. like i write stuff in the food log because i love controlling my diet.to hell with all assumptions. they are added irritants and sdded stress. they raise people's lvl of expectations for you. i dun reject running in xctry cus im selfish. and i dun reject being welfare rep cus im lazee. i dont haf a choice. i dun run fast. i dun haf any more energy to be channeled into planning for class activities.

how i wish. life would become as light as a feather. the load's certainly too heavy for me to shoulder.

22:51

-keeps me alive