```iamsharonang--

memories-

Thursday, July 20, 2006

alot happened these few days. and i really cant help tearing after going thru my team mate's/seniors blogs.

there was the nationals (12/07/06)- heats and semi-finals.
was really scared. who doesn want to make it into the semis and then finals?.. but i had to remain "emotionless" so that i could support wenqi. the heats went okay. we underestimated the tp boat, but i guess it was god's way of making us not be in the stronger semis or to be in the same semis as lala. well, i was quite happy with our semi grouping. its half the battle won actually.. but i was so demoralised when she said we were going to race our last race for the semis.

..we both felt so good on water, from the corner of my eye i could see the mj boat falling back.cool. when i was waiting for wenqi to give the command to build up, to finish the race and get into the finals (everyone's dream), we capsized! its damn sick. at that instant i couldn think. my first thought was "tell wenqi dun cry" and "pls let this be a dream".and we both agreed. initially, things went well, until i couldn stop thinking of everything. i really really wanted to cry my heart out. let everything go. but i didn't- for i dunno what i was crying for! there were no regrets. i thought we went faster than we ever ever did! it was jus tearing and tearing. super embarrassing! but i applaud myself for holding out for so long.

i thought of how i let everyone on the shore cheering for us down. i thought of how i nv thought of getting into semis or finals. i thought of how close i was to my dream- even getting last for finals mean something. i thought of how badly we ended the day. and, i prayed that we would not miss any team position thingy cus of that one point missed. and i thought of wenyi's race.. and how life has to be so so 'fair'.i felt really really sad.everything- the heats/semis groupings were so ideal. nothing like that could ever happen again! i love my team mates. but the more they try to comfort me, the more i cried. sigh.

“it was a day of emotional ups and down…then watching from the shore. they were going to make it. it was all what we had predicted. sharon and wenqi zooming down. and when they capped, i dunno, i want to shout and curse and say it isn't fair. but i did none of those because i know they are the ones feeling the worst. i know you guys stayed strong for us. i know. i know. the team knows.”- leilei’s blog

"i felt overwhelmed watching rina and yingxia breakdown when wenqi n sharon capsized and the look of anguish that washed over everyone's face as i closed the camera for the day. then when wq n sharon came on shore, fighting back their emotions staying strong for their teammates - i was speechless with respect.

this was the real hwachong canoeing spirit: fighting back no matter what, backing your teammates up no matter what, knowing that no matter how weak ur feeling, you will be strong for your teammates and because of them.it's not about winning. it's the journey, the friends, the differences and the person that you become after hcanoe." –ritchell’s blog

that nite, i chatted on msn, smsed ppl, and constructed a mini-erhu made of straws. slept superr late, but i felt better after that. Thank you my beloved team mates, who could all understand how we feel, without us saying anything. Thank you singnan for his sweet sms, even though he himself was equally sad.

13/07/06
got break from school. i wish i was doing haoxia's programme like huiwen, lala/leilei and charlene. instead, i was fooling around on a k1, afer much consideration. i din know whether a t1/k2/k1 would be good for my post-capsize-syndrome. admit that it was quite fun la. i din capsize. fortunately.

it was a day of hcanoe gurls outing! first time. 13/07/06 the whole team of 15 was at PS! ate, watch movie and piahed around looking for our post-com gift. we took some great fotos on the escalator and in front of the pirates poster. i dunno, i couldn really face wenqi that day. really cant help guessing if her inner thoughts were the same as mine. i really wish we had a race the next day.

14/07/06- National Schools Finals. it was a super exciting day- cheering our team mates on! much as i'd like other boats to capsize too, but i cant help feeling sorry for the rj boat that capsized during the finals. that would've been more geking than what happened to us. but at least they had a taste of finals. i really really love my team mates.

we tied for third. but we got fourth in the end.

post com dinner was at Glasshouse fish and co. the whole rj team was there too! small world. The senior girls team being nice people, bought a mango CREAM cake for us. On it, says “being in hcanoe means that you’ll always be loved”. I guess that’s so true. and i hope that it'll remain true for the rest of the years ahead.

stayover @ Raffles the Plaza. Probably my first and last time staying in a hotel in Singapore. Its so heartwarming to see the team 15 of us plus haoxia, huddling together in one room.ooh I tried Heineken and ice wine. Yummilicious! Anyway the so called sharing that nite wasn’t that ideal. I really pictured every tearing. All of us slept- more or less, much to patrick’s dismay. The morning was the real thing. The real sharing session- thanks to Patrick,yingxia and Charlene. Okay, knowing myself and my lousy ability with words and expression, and the lack of control over my tear glands, I decided to keep quiet for as long as possible. Looking at all of them tear one by one was really saddening. I felt comforted by the fact that there was still lala and Patrick trying not to cry, like me. I really admire everyone else for really and daring to say what they really felt and thought throughout our one and a half years’ of canoeing life. It was sufficient for me to feel their presence around me. It was so nice jus hearing lala and leilei sharing their views about being on k2, and having a partner to share their woes. I could so relate it to me and wenqi. When it finally came to my turn, I couldn think. There was jus a string of jumbled thoughts trying to come out. all I wanted to do was to apologise for capsizing. Really.

I feel so blessed being on k2. for it, it isn’t ‘the grass is greener on the other side’, I was so satisfied with my k2. and my partner! we always don’t talk, at least for me, and I like to count on mutual feelings. I though for very long and thought very hard about the reason for me joining the CCA that everyone else thinks it s a torture.. there wasn’t really any. Cus once im in it, im in it. I signed up, and I had to go. I jus wanna give myself a challenge, since everyone portrayed canoeing to be so hiong so torturous. I really really like the fact that there are 14 others out there, really knowing and understanding how you feel during every training and every race. They were so frank, so happy people. And they’ve changed me and my thinking this one and a half year.

Afternoon: My tuition teacher came 40min early again. Super irritated. Tuition was like yawning session for me. Later, my bro had his first eng tuition. Guess what? Tuition teacher was Geraldine that I knew from yc! Omg. The world’s really so small.. I busied myself trying to chiong liyu’s present for her ‘party’ later.

"the most meaningful present! from sharon!! she used straws to make the erhu, and used strings to sew the parts together and then pinned them to the cute lil bear. oh man!its so sweet!"- liyu's blog

Sunday 16/07/06-
Shicheng pailian I had to rush off for tuition and then going back for pailian… but somehow I love the busy and hectic lifestyle.

Monday 17/07/06-
Making my way to the pull-up bar, and seeing my team mates there again, made me feel happier! Plus, everyone else was quite smart not to ask abt our nationals a lot. Only occasionally. I was feeling quite bad the whole day.. no appetite too.

Tuesday 18/07/06-
Liyu’s bdae!

Wednesday 19/07/06-
Got our physics and biology paper back. Got a C for biology..scraped past. Phew, luckily there was a counting error and I was supposed to get 2 more marks! Realized that angel yang’s really quite a nice teacher la.. got a ‘C’ for physics. (only today, I found out that I actually made a calculation error and I awarded myself two more marks! So I was 0.5 marks from a C.)

Went out with yuwei(finally, after so long). Watched pirates with him again. Lol. But yahla, still as enjoyable. I felt so bad for making him pay. So im really gonna treat him the next time round!

Thursday 20/07/06 :(

Today, I felt really really really sad. Cus of mr ang’s (the principal) “speech”. He praised all the sports CCAs that did well. And he praised guys canoeing. But there wasn’t ‘canoeing’ under the girls part. I felt really bad. I dunno if I wanted to cry. I felt that im really really sick of holding back my tears these few days. And so I told Amanda choa. I went to find 6A gang. But none of them seem to feel sad, or even show signs that they heard the announcement. Suan le. No one to feel sad with me. My classmates tried to comfort me. But it made me tear more! Well, I even made amandalee cry. But I dunno why:(

After reading all the blog entries abt nationals.. I felt really siaanned. i somehow miss a little bit of the painful trainings. I miss being around the canoeists. I envy the 6A people so much. They all haf each other so often!

15:22

-keeps me alive